i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
