who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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