you have to choose: penises or morals?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
