jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I wear drunk well.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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