well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
