I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
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