we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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