I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Drake has all the answers
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
