the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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