it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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