your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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