Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
