guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
