I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
