woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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