fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
