i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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