Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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