Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
