My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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