i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
