When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
