ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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