Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
