I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
