we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
