just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
