I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
