9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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