sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You are the jesus of drinking
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
