I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
