I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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