is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
