i always forget guys have bellybuttons
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
