I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
