There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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