all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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