hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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