Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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