Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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