Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I need a burrito and a hug.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
