I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
