I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
