Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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