my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Hippo gnu deer
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
