My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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