It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
