woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
