Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
