John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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