I feel like I'm in dance class right now
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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