remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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