Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
