i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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