listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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