i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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