Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
