I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
